Posts filed under 'Cancer'
Thankful for New Beginnings
While we give thanks for what we have–family, friends, a roof over our heads and food in our bellies—in our house this year, we’re even more thankful for what we’re about to have. Because of what we’ve been given: a new lease on life. Not once. But twice. And when I say we, I mean Danny. Which through transference, also means me. By marriage. Remember that part of the vows that goes “in sickness and in health?” That part of the lease.
The first lease was taken out just over a year ago when Danny was officially proclaimed in remission from Non-Hodgkin’s Lymphoma after six long months of treatment. Recovery from treatment ended less than nine months ago, which is when it genuinely felt real. The survival rates for Lymphoma have doubled over the past 25 years because of the advances in chemotherapy, radiation and stem-cell transplantation which give Danny a great prognosis to be able to declare himself “cured” in five years!
The second lease was taken out exactly one week ago when Danny had a fairly new surgical procedure known as Lumbar Disc Replacement. Not your ordinary back surgery. So new, his surgery was played on a big screen in the surgical center auditorium for visiting doctors around the world to watch and learn from. Danny now has a hunk of titanium where one of his discs used to be. In just five more weeks, he will be completely recovered from surgery and able to do things he hasn’t been able to do since his 20’s when he first injured himself. Almost 20 years he has suffered, often out of commission one week out of every month since we first married eight years ago. He’s promised me that the monthly back spasms starting around the same time we got married have nothing to do with the proverbial “ball and chain,” if that’s what you’re thinking. So there.
As happenstance would have it, Danny turns 40 this Friday. The big 4-0. The convergence of his new lease on life with a possible mid-life crisis might have other wives worried. But, not me. I know what’s most on Danny’s mind is the prospect of being the husband and father he wants to be. He dreams of rolling around on the floor with Reagan, tossing her up in the air, teaching her to snowboard and father-daughter dances. He woos me with the promise of taking on additional responsibilities around the house to give me more of a break. Just the idea of Danny cleaning bathtubs and toilets, hanging shelves and laying tile has me all weak in the knees. He throws around tackling my “500-tasks-long Honey-do list” like it’s an aphrodisiac. Tip for all the men reading this: IT IS.
And finally, in just a few short months Danny should be cleared medically by the FAA to return to flying for Frontier Airlines again. We are thankful that this day is so near after two very difficult years of struggling physically, emotionally, financially and spiritually. We can now see the light at the end of the tunnel!
Here’s to a bright and healthy 2010!
Happy Thanksgiving!
3 comments November 26, 2009
Southwest and the Unknown Frontier
Okay, I admit it. I was excited to marry a pilot. I know it shouldn’t matter, but, isn’t it true that marrying a pilot is equivalent to marrying your prince in most little girl’s (and big girl’s) fantasies? There’s something about a man in uniform commanding a mega-ton aircraft with hundreds of lives in his hands every day that commands our respect and makes us dream about happily-ever-afterwards. And the travel benefits don’t hurt either.
Before we walked down the aisle, Danny felt it necessary to give me “the talk.” I think he wanted to be sure I knew that being married to a pilot wasn’t likely to be the fun-filled fantasy he expected I was imagining. He warned of higher divorce rates for pilots (mostly anecdotal), job instability, low starting salaries and long periods of time apart among other stressors. It would be a long time before his career choice might pay off and there were no guarantees that it would. No longer the secure, glamorous and lucrative career it once was in the ’70’s and ’80’s, becoming a pilot now is a career gamble and sometimes marital suicide, he cautioned. Who did he think I was? Alice Green? I could take it. After all, our entire relationship had been long-distance up to this point anyway.
That was 10 years, 5 moves, 3 states, 3 airlines, 2 furloughs, 1 bankruptcy and -1 ugly malignancy ago. Neither one of us could have imagined how seriously more stressful being employed (I use that term loosely) in the airline industry would become since our talk, pre-9/11. Furloughs, bankruptcies and base closures uprooting your family are now just part of the regularly-expected career hurdles.
In April of 2008, less than a year after Danny was hired and a few months after his cancer diagnosis, Frontier Airlines declared bankruptcy, following the flight path of many other airlines in these tough economic times. A few months ago, Republic Airways announced it was putting in a bid to buy Frontier, shutting up all those who previously thought this a preposterous rumor. And then, they were trumped. On Friday, Southwest Airlines announced their plans to outbid Republic for the bankrupt, yet still “profitable” and much-loved hometown Denver-based airline.
Republic has already gone back on its’ word not to merge the pilot seniority lists, a move that would make many Frontier pilots junior to their new and primarily less-experienced counterparts and decrease their salaries. There are lessons to be learned from the America West/US Airways merger debacle of 2005, still being fought by the pilot unions today.
Should Southwest win the bid, one of the possible options, and the one we hear most frequently, is that Frontier pilots would have to interview for their positions. For junior pilots like Danny, this would be the end of the runway. Another option could be that they are “stapled” to the bottom of the Southwest pilot’s seniority list, but their jobs are secure. Since salaries at Southwest are higher, and the pilots are already mostly senior in flight time and experience, this would be the preferable outcome. The fear is that Southwest may have more finite plans in mind than they are willing to share right now. That is, to cut all Frontier employees loose after a few years as their only goal may be just to dominate gate space at Denver International Airport where Frontier right now is their biggest competitor.
It’s hard not to feel like cattle on the auctioning block as we wait to hear our fate. Will we win the airline lottery with Southwest as Danny’s new employer, or will we soon be exploring Plan C like several other of our pilot friends who have had it with the airline industry and have started over in new fields? Keep your seat belts fastened, until the Captain has turned off the “fasten seat belts sign,” we’re expecting more turbulence ahead.
8 comments August 3, 2009
Who had more fun, Betty Crocker or Orville Redenbacher?
Is it a gender difference, or is just me? Are all men able to make leisure a higher priority than women when it comes to our free time?
When Danny became Reagan’s primary caregiver, truthfully, it was at first with some jealousy that eventually grew into appreciation that I noticed he was able to carve out some “me time” from his “free time.” As any parent of a toddler knows, “free time” means any time every ounce of your energy isn’t directed at pacifying, entertaining, feeding, scrubbing down or chasing down that unpredictable little firecracker also known as your offspring. This free time primarily consists of just 1-2 hours each afternoon at naptime and 2-3 hours at night. If you’re lucky. Am I right?
Whilst the primary caregiver, the entirety of my free time consisted of:
1. Picking up. Clothes pulled from drawers. Coinage, credit cards and half-chewed gum (still in the wrapper) from my purse. Books, toys and bits of dried Playdoh in the carpet. Various kitchen items strewn throughout the living room. Twice a day, at nap and bedtime. Twice… sometimes more. A pointless exercise, I know. But, I did it so I could at least savor the order of my home for a short while before my little performance artist took stage again to perform Clutter and Chaos for her admiring audience of one.
2. Cleaning. Not just the usual kitchen, bathrooms, floors, etc. but, wiping the daily handprints, food and spilled drinks from the dining room table, floors, carpets, mirrors, windows and every surface/orifice of our living room furniture multiple times a day.
3. Laundry. ‘Nuff said.
4. Stain removal. Deserves it’s own category.
5. Cooking. Reagan still does not eat meals with us because she is the pickiest daintiest eater ever deserving the last name of Bird. Just getting her to eat something, ANYTHING, requires your full concentration and effort for a full hour at every meal. Therefore, having our dinner ready before 10pm each night, after Lady Bird is fed, bathed, read and put to bed, means preparing it at naptime. (The inventor of the crockpot is my hero!)
With so much to do, I was never really able to figure out how to convert any part of my free time into me time, unless it meant forfeiting precious sleeping hours necessary to start the whole process over again the next day. So, how is it that my husband, now in charge of the nest, is able to enjoy much more of his free time as me time than I was?
Answer: It’s his priority. This means that whether it’s going to the gym, TV, reading, surfing the internet or just relaxing on the deck watching the sunset, it all comes first. Seems so simple, yet, impossible. Granted, the house isn’t as clean and orderly as it once was. And, cooking? Well, if it can be grilled or nuked, then it’s dinner. Otherwise, you’re on your own. There’s the can opener. But, for a man with scarce domestic skills to begin with, he has made tremendous strides. And, for a man who just beat cancer, he has his priorities straight.
Watching my husband not only regain his strength, but gain more energy and balance in his life than I’ve been able to muster these past few years has been a growth process for me as much as him. So much so, that I am now following course. Yesterday, instead of starting my day at my computer, I attended the first fitness class I’ve been to since before Reagan was born.
Whether it be because of gender, or a new appreciation of life, Danny’s order of priorities, while different from my own, are proving to pay off for him. I look at the price I paid for a clean house and dinner on the table every night and wonder, was it worth it? Am I happier or healthier for having sparkling floors and Betty Crocker-approved meals on the table? I don’t think I need to be a man or get cancer to know the answer to that. Do you?
6 comments July 21, 2009
Up, Up and Away!
People come into our lives for a reason, a season or a lifetime it is often said. When I first met Angie, I had no idea the source of comfort she would become for me for the next year and a half. She would say, “God brought us here (to Denver) for a reason, and that reason is you.”
It isn’t difficult to believe that now looking back, beginning with our quick bonding experience that came about as a result of waiting on line at the DMV. Yes, we met at the DMV, so what? Doesn’t everyone meet new friends at the DMV? Anyway, we struck up a conversation while waiting for our numbers to be called for our “glamor shots.”
Me: “You just moved here?” “Me too!”
Angie: “You’re a stay-at-home Mom who doesn’t know anyone in Denver?” “Me too!”
Me: “Your husband’s a pilot?” “Mine too!”
Angie: “You moved here because of Frontier Airlines?” “Us too!”
Me: “My daughter needs a playmate.”
Angie: “Mine too.”
What fate! I had met another new mom in the exact same situation as me! And a pilot’s wife – which is a situation in itself. I had a friend! And a playmate for Reagan! I’m sure many new mothers know that feeling of relief when they first meet someone else who is also housebound and looking for someone to commiserate confer with.
We talked on the phone a few times, had a play date or two, voluntarily contorted ourselves at yoga classes once or twice, and then decided to make it a family affair. We included our husbands on the next outing, knowing they would surely have lots to talk about. As pilots always do. We made it a date and all got together for the first time on February 16th, 2008. All within two months of deciding it was safe to call someone you just met at the DMV.
Less than one week later, I was making a phone call to my new friend that I never expected to be placing. I called to tell her the news that my husband, Danny was in the hospital after having had a stroke and was just diagnosed with cancer. I asked for her help — something I was unaccustomed to doing. I needed someone to watch Reagan while I visited Danny in the hospital until he was allowed to come home. “I know we’ve just met, but I have no one else to turn to,” I told her. Upon arriving at Angie’s apartment with Reagan, still in a daze from the past 24 hours of crisis, we were both trying to remain strong while I filled her in on Reagan’s routine, showing her what I had brought for her lunch and where her diapers were. Then, we both broke down and cried. She had imagined what she would do in my situation and knew she would be turning to me as well. We both had no one else.
Every day for the next two weeks I would drop Reagan off at Angie’s house on my way to the hospital. I’d fill her in on any news from the doctors as to Danny’s diagnosis and treatment and she would just listen and be strong for me as I waded through the unknown. Unknown today. Unknown tomorrow. She, her husband, Will and little Sofia were there for Reagan’s first birthday held in Danny’s hospital room the first week of his stay. They were there for us over the following weeks and months through doctor’s appointments and chemo treatments and through four weeks of hospitalization for Danny’s bone marrow transplant. They were always there. It was becoming clear to me that perhaps Angie was right. Our meeting was more than just fate, it was divine.
I was so looking forward to life returning to normal so that Angie and I could go back to what we had begun back in January of 2008: just two stay-at-home moms who get together for lunch, yoga and play dates to make our days go by faster. But “fate” would have other plans. Just a few months after Danny’s diagnosis, we learned that Frontier Airlines had declared bankruptcy. As a result, this meant that Will, who flies for Republic Airways, the feeder airline for Frontier (Frontier JetExpress), no longer would be based in Denver as their contract with Frontier was then severed. It was now only a question of how long before our new friends would move back east so Will could be closer to his old home base of Indianapolis and not have to commute.
Three weeks ago we said good-bye to Angie, Will and Sofia. Tears were spilled, but not without some laughs to buffer them. While we are back on our feet here at the Birdhouse, there is a void that has been left since our friends’ departure. Things were never able to go back to “normal” before they left. As if there is such a thing. There is only what’s next.
For whatever reason their stay in Denver was so brief… and perfectly-timed, it seems to me quite divine, that in Angie, Will and Sofia, we have definitely been visited by angels.
19 comments July 12, 2009
Can a Makeover Change the Course of Your Life?
I have always loved watching makeover shows on TV and will even pause and rewind to see the amazing transformations over and over again. The results are often shocking. How different someone can look with just a new haircut and the right pair of jeans. Watching tired housewives and over-worked moms go from ratty and war-torn to flirty and fabulous in the blink of an eye makes for good TV, but what happens afterward? Do they continue to bleach their hair blonde and wear stockings and high heels instead of tube socks and Birkenstocks? Do they then leave their husbands (who are usually shown sitting in the audience with their jaws in their laps) and follow their dreams of opening a boutique or working on Wall Street? Or, do things return to normal and they are left with just the memory of their potential. I have been given the opportunity to find out first-hand what happens next after winning a “Mom Makeover” from Colorado Parent Magazine. While my outward transformation may not be as dramatic as those on TV, what happened on the inside was something I never expected.
I wrote my entry for the contest an hour before the midnight deadline: in 100 words or less, why I deserve a “Mom Makeover.” Even though it’s quite characteristic of me to push myself up until the last minute, I honestly had had a very busy week including my daughter’s 2nd birthday party the day before. But, I never miss a deadline, and I wasn’t going to miss this one either. Something told me this could be just what I needed to get me over the hump — the hump of depression that had plagued me since my husband became ill exactly one year before. We had just learned that after 18 years of service, Danny would not be able to return to reserve duty as an aircrew member with the Air Force for five years, and was possibly going to be made to retire. We knew that he couldn’t go back to work as a pilot for Frontier Airlines for another year either. I needed to go back to work. I was angry at the injustice of it all and unprepared to leave my daughter. There was an uncanny timeliness to everything that compelled me to enter. Since then, I have often referred to it as a “God-thing.”
From the day I got the call that I had won, I could feel God smiling at me, telling me it’s all going to be okay, and here is a sign that I’m here. Danny and I were both choked up by the news because to us, it wasn’t just a contest, winning represented a change of luck. It felt like we had both won. I had no idea how much of an impact a makeover could have on my life, beginning and ending with “my stuff.”
Everyone has stuff; stuff in their attic, stuff in their closet, stuff in their head. Cleaning out and organizing that stuff allows room to function; at home and in life. The first part of my prize arrived in the form of a cute, little fireball named Liz Canavan of Alchemy of Order. Liz appeared at my door one day unexpectedly because we had gotten the dates mixed up for our first meeting. She had driven such a long way and was so excited and full of enthusiasm that I could never have turned her away. Liz got to see me and my house in our typical state of disarray. Probably a good thing because she could better evaluate where I needed the most help without me trying to hide my issues. To my amazement, Liz put together a team of organizers to clean out the clutter in my laundry/utility room, kitchen and office/playroom all in just four hours! It was actually a fun afternoon made more fun by the fact that this is actually what these women love to do. It is their passion and it showed. When they were done, I felt as if a huge burden had been lifted from me. Danny and I were so inspired, we finished several other incomplete projects around our house that day and in the days that followed. Liz removed the “stuff” from my house and also from my head that was clouding my focus on the larger task at hand: finding a job.
Getting past “my stuff” became the next hurdle, and that’s where motherhood and career guru, Gretchen Reid of Motherhood Transitions, came in. In addition to re-working my resume, Gretchen helped me to identify the negative talk in my head that can block possible positive events from occurring. I was allowing my own “mom-guilt” about no longer being a full-time mom for my daughter and my fear of a jobless economy among other things, steer me into a self-perpetuating anger and frustration at my situation. She also helped me to see what is possible from this experience instead of dwelling on what was supposed to be. Together we assessed my professional strengths and she opened my eyes to new possibilities in a career path. A career that I had so much as thrown by the wasteside was beginning to be revived and I was suddenly excited about it again. I have since become a fervent student of social media marketing and am working towards the goal of combining my writing, design, advertising and marketing skills with the new media to offer a complete marketing solution to clients.
Finally, it was time for the fun part: my day of pampering. And what fun it was! I spent the day at Aspen Grove, much of the time accompanied by the Assistant Editor of CO Parent, Courtney McDonough who was a delight to be with and an even more engaging lunch date! We began at the elegant Avalon Salon and Spa where my hairstylist, René discussed different hair styles and color with me and helped me to decide upon one that would best suit my lifestyle. We went with something subtle and easy to maintain. I know, drama would’ve been more fun, but I decided to leave the drama out of this part of my life! René did an excellent job at delivering exactly what I needed. After that, I spent an hour with Erin who gave me a great day look in makeup as well as tips and techniques for applying my own. All said and done — fabulous! Off to Ann Taylor where Julie and Denise helped me to decide the best look and fit for me from so many beautiful options, it was tough to narrow it down. I really had them running. I wanted to try everything! I absolutely love my new outfit which, as of this writing, I’m still saving for my first interview. I may have to break down and wear it on what has become, a very infrequent date night. We’ll see which happens first. Are you reading this, Danny? By the time “the new me” was headed home, I was realizing how way overdue it was for me to feel this good about myself again. The “stuff” that tells me to put myself last and that appearance no longer matters was being busted up. While I definitely still wrestle with this, and more days than not look like I’ve just rolled out of bed at four in the afternoon, it has been mentally noted. I am an emerging butterfly fighting my way out of my chrysalis.
So, can a makeover change the course of your life? If not changed, it has at least reset the coordinates of mine to waters unknown. I’m only just beginning my journey and there’s a new captain in charge.
Have you considered giving yourself a makeover? Or, have you had a makeover of a different kind that has changed you?
14 comments April 29, 2009
IN YOUR FACE! Sharing personal space with your spouse 24/7/365.
Photo by Evan Romine
Remember your wedding night? Lying in the arms of your partner and thinking how you never wanted to be apart? How wonderful life would be if you could stay like that forever? As time passes, you start to be thankful for your alone time. Time spent at the gym, out with friends or just curled up with a good book on the couch in the peaceful tranquility of an empty house is bliss. Not that you don’t still love being with your spouse, but it starts to become just that much better after time apart. You love them even more when you are reunited. Bringing baby home does break up a lot of the tranquility, of course, but you still relish the moments you have away from each other to just “be.” Imagine now if your wedding night wishes came true, and you and your betrothed spent every waking hour together for an entire year: your wildest dream or worst nightmare? Would you be closer or just closer to a breakdown?
It wasn’t until Gretchen Reid of Motherhood Transitions, my life coach, said it, or maybe it was the way she said it, that all became clear: our entire relationship had been built upon our time away or independence from one another. Kind of hard to hear, but true. We lived in entirely different states from the time we met up until the day we married seven years ago. We “dated” over the phone and had three or four weekend visits a month on my airline benefits. A few days after our honeymoon in December 2001, Danny, a U.S. Air Force Reservist, was sent to Germany for six months. After a year of active duty, he returned to his career as an airline pilot where we were now living in St. Louis. He was gone three or four days a week and continued to do his reserve duty in Colorado Springs as well. Danny was activated again in 2006 and sent to Qatar. We spent that entire year apart, only seeing each other a few weekends a month for the six months he was back in Colorado while I lived in St. Louis. It’s a miracle, but that was also the year I got pregnant. Danny missed out on my whole nauseating first trimester while in Qatar — lucky man. Between my full-time job and Danny’s, our lifestyle may have seemed hard to endure for most married couples, but was just how we liked it. We are both free spirits and enjoy time on our own. For us, it made our marriage stronger. We rarely argued and the passion never faded.
How different things are now. For the past 13 months, Danny and I have been living in an alternate reality. We have spent every day together, mostly at home in what for a good part of the year has felt like our own personal prison. As a result of Danny’s cancer diagnosis and the 10-month long treatment that followed, leaving the house was not only a “no-no” because of his weakened immune system, but practically impossible because of the pain, fatigue and nausea he suffered on a daily basis. For the three-month period following his bone marrow (or stem cell) transplant, he was quarantined to the house and required 24/7 care and sterile living conditions. While difficult enough for the two of us to withstand, try explaining to a one-year-old why we can’t go outside to play even though the sun is shining and there’s a whole wide world out there to discover and explore. If it seems we didn’t spend enough time together “pre-cancer”, we are now making up for it in what often feels like a bad sitcom (think Frank and Estelle Costanza get their own show). Is this what retirement will be like?
Now, don’t get me wrong. In a lot of ways this experience has brought us closer together and showed us that if we can survive this, then nothing is insurmountable in our marriage. But, what it has also shown us is that when you spend too much time together, you run out of things to say. Or, you tire of saying the same thing, over and over again, so you just don’t say anything at all. Communication can break down and suddenly although you live in the same house, you’re miles away from one another. The little differences between the two of you that were once tolerable become egregious and you find yourself constantly trying to maintain perspective. It’s difficult to keep perspective when everything appears so close-up. Thankfully, with time, love and prayer (much prayer) all things can be put back into their proper focus.
In many ways, yes, we could look back on this time as our worst nightmare. But, it is also possible that because of what we’ve gained in understanding, patience and closeness we are only just entering our wildest dream.
4 comments April 27, 2009
